Motivation

I feel like I'm not very motivated to do anything that I used to love doing. I don't feel like doing my favorite crafts, it's too cold to exercise outdoors, I don't have any desire to edit photos...

I'm exhausted by the end of the day and feel like sitting on my ass with a fresh bottle of wine. But that's probably because between working full time, going to school, being a mommy of an 8 month old who is crawling everywhere and being totally sleep deprived, I'm fucking frazzled. Not just frazzled, FUCKING FRAZZLED.

On top of being fucking frazzled, I'm not a self-motivator. Especially when my plate is this full. I have to do group exercise at the gym or work out with a buddy if I'm going to work out at all. Even group exercise is not enough motivation for me these days. I love spin. I'm finally allowed to spin now after my foot surgery. Have I gone lately? Nope. I keep telling myself I'm going to walk Alameda beach both ways. Have I? Nope. I keep planning on buying canvas to paint, going to the antique fair to buy goods and start my online business, and making an effort to update my blog more. Nope, nope and nope.

So? I am now looking for fellow lazy-asses. Let's motivate each other. Come on, let's go walk Alameda beach this weekend. Ready?

I'm serious.

Confessions of a Picky Eater

I'm a picky eater.

I feel like there should be a support group for this syndrome.

It's not like picky eaters choose to be picky. In fact, I'm ashamed of it. It's not easy going somewhere when someone has cooked you a meal and picking out the mushrooms you can't stomach or the raw tomatoes that your host took the time to cut up all pretty. It's either pick them out or gag in front of the cook, risking insulting them even further. It's also not easy to go out to dinner and only have one thing on the menu sound remotely appetizing to you. I don't need all that extra hoopla on my food. I don't need a prosciutto reduction or a shaved fennel garnish nestled in a wasabi aioli that touches my already over-seasoned main course. I love the Bay Area and the East Bay has a wonderful selection of delicious restaurants that could give a foodie wet dreams.

But sometimes simple is good. Some of us are comfortable with simple. My Step-Mother is one of THEE very best cooks I know and everything she makes has very basic, whole ingredients. Asparagus soup. Crab salad in endive cups. Parmasean stuffed zucchini. Everything she makes has simple ingredients that I have 1) heard of 2) can pronounce.

Recently I have even been dipping my toes into uncharted food territory, stepping outside my comfort zone to try new things. But what the hell is wrong with good-old-fashioned salt and pepper? The pickiness started when I was a kid. My family is from the Mid-West are a meat and potatoes kinda family. Super simple meals adorn the table every night. Green beans. Mashed potatoes. Pork chops from the grill. Corn. Mac and Cheese. An occasional pizza casserole. But you get the idea.

On top of that simple food background, I had a very scary food allergy experience a few years back. I ate a meal I used to frequently consume (a burrito from my favorite joint) and broke out in very scary NFL-regulation-football-sized hives that covered my body from head to toe. To this day, I still don't know what caused it or what sort of cross-contamination occurred when preparing my super simple burrito that landed me in the emergency room. I am severely allergic to kiwi and borderline allergic to mango and pineapple. If I ask you what is in your salad dressing or marinade, it's not personal. I'm not testing your culinary abilities and I'm sure what you've prepared is amazing. I'm just a paranoid-ass (borderline OCD) girl who had a few bad food experiences and would rather watch her son graduate than die of anaphylaxis. Is that unreasonable? I don't think so. To me, it's realistic.

So between the legit food allergy scares and the uncontrollable gag reflex, I am a self-admitted hot mess when it comes to food options.

Forgive me. I assure you, I have many other fine qualities that will make up for this unfortunate quality of mine.

Getting Back to the Old Me

Alas!

The momentous occasion has arrived. My surgery was completed this morning and I am on my was to becoming the old me. Not just physically, but mentally as well. You see, I have had a problem with my foot since before my pregnancy. As of recent, I have been unable to be consistently active. Walks along Alameda beach were out and the only exercise that didn't send waves up my pain was swimming, which I'm pretty shitty at.

Now? All I can think about is how in 2-3 weeks, these bandages will be off and I will be active once again.

I have started an Etsy account for my online store, Abodeable. I will be selling vintage and hand crafted housewares. My first scouting mission will be October 2nd and it can't come soon enough. But for now, I will be resting so that I heal perfectly and can get back to the Old Me as soon as possible.

She's Crafty

The stress of being super busy all the time is winding down. I've started some crafty projects that I'll be sharing soon and of course, have 153,958 other things on my plate as well. School starts in 5 days and work isn't slowing down. Cooper is obviously still in need of the majority of my time. That leaves me little ME time... but I'm getting used to it.

I've found ways to have time to myself. At night, before bed, I've been finding time to read. Sometimes only a page or two at a time, but I'm still getting some reading in. After the baby goes to bed I occasionally treat myself to a glass (more like half glass) of wine and put my feet up.

When the baby naps, I've been working on various crafts. I started an Etsy store and with the help of my Step-Mother, Kelley, I will be stocking the virtual shelves shortly. I'm super excited to start this adventure. I will mainly be focusing on home decor, but will dabble with whatever I get my hands on for a while. Kelley is a very successful ex-high school teacher turned corporate executive, who deals antiques on the side. We're going to take our first trip together to the Alameda Point Antique fair in early September to get some ideas and start shopping. I've named the store Abodable.

I'm super excited to start school. Every class I complete gets me closer to my goal and means I get to move on to yet another class to "make my bitch". Starting Monday, intermediate Algebra will be my bitch (I love saying that).

When I find I have down time these days, I'm almost bored. I'm starting to enjoy being busy all the time and having my phone's "to-do" app filled with different lists. It makes like exciting.

Operation Slim Down

Now that my darling Cooper is gong to be 5 months, it’s dawned on me that once I cut down on his nursing (by giving him more solids), I won’t be burning as many calories as I am now. Therefore, I need to stop eating like a glutton. Moderation isn't working for me right now. I have been eating whatever I want, whenever I want while nursing. This includes dairy and meat, both of which I was supposed to cut down on a while back. I’ve lost 45 lbs of my baby weight and have 10-15 more lbs to go. I may not be gaining weight, but I’ve stopped losing weight and I will be in trouble once I’m not burning that extra 300 calories per feeding. It doesn’t help that I’ve stopped exercising. I am not able to walk as much as I used to or go to spin class at the moment, as I’m waiting to have surgery on my foot.

It’s ridiculous to be complaining and whining about not losing weight when you eat the way I’ve been eating. Since I’ve been nursing, my body has been craving foods I’ve never cared for in my life. I constantly crave soda and cheese.

My solution? To stop being lazy and take care of myself. Here are a few guidelines I will try to follow starting Monday:

No fried food. That’s simple.
No white flours.I don’t eat much white flour, but even the occasional white flour bread makes me feel bloated. Time to switch back to whole grain and only whole grain.
No processed foods. In other words, if I can’t pronounce it, I’m not eating it.
No soda. My beloved Root Beer will have to wait for birthdays.
No meat. ...With the exception of fish and occasional free range chicken/turkey/pork. Red meat is no bueno and pork, although white meat, contributes to endometrial growth.
No dairy.I was supposed to have cut this out long ago as well. Shame on me for cheating. This means I will have to give up my morning lattes. It will save me some money too. Soy is off limits with endometriosis (it promotes excess estrogen production)

I’m starting to step-up my water intake already. Lots and lots of water. Hopefully this will help my skin out as well.

D-Day is August 1st. Until then, I will slowly be getting used to my new (actually reclaimed) eating habits. It's not a diet, it's just healthier choices. It’s time to take care of business and get healthy. I hope to start swimming next week with Tara, if I can find a bathing suit that fits these disgustingly large boobs that I’ve become stuck with (It’s pretty difficult to find a bathing suit for a G cup when you’re a size 10 in pants).

Wish me luck. I hope to not be posting a blog like this again in 3 months. Let’s hope it sticks.

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Finding Time to Breathe

Alright. I'm overwhelmed.

I have officially packed too many things on my plate and I'm full.

Being a mommy, a student, working full time, having a dog, managing a garden and trying to keep the house clean is proving to be too much stuff to handle at the moment. I don't have time to exercise. I don't have time to shoot photos. I barely have time to keep up on my hygiene. I read my school lectures and for my essays while on pump-breaks at work. My toes are in need of new polish and I've been trying to find time to repaint them for over a week, only to find myself doing something else that needs to be done instead. I am sleep deprived and running on empty.

I feel like I'll never be done with school and it's very discouraging. Taking one or two classes per semester is going to get me nowhere fast. If I could manage to work part time I could fit a few more classes in every semester... but that's pretty much impossible when you have a child, daycare expenses, are under paid and live in the super-expensive Bay Area. I'm going to keep plugging away at the super-slow pace I'm currently running at and hopefully I'll find a solution soon.

It's important to me that Cooper knows I worked hard to get through school. It's important to me to be able to tell him that it's possible to accomplish great things, even with hurdles and barriers in the way. I never want him to ask me why I didn't finish school or why I stopped, so I'm going to continue, even if it takes me For-ev-er.

Uuuuh.

It's Finally Complete.

But for real this time. My darling Mandy picked me up some Tibetan prayer flags and they are the icing on the cake. Now it just needs to keep growing.

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Transformations

I have had some serious mommy brain (which I'm convinced is a continuation of pregnancy brain), but believe it or not I am even flightier than usual (yes, it's possible). I am a first class space cadet. But there are many things that are different these days. I've noticed many changes in myself since this journey to motherhood began. Sometimes I'm shocked when I realize something else that's changed. Motherhood agrees with me and I feel like I've improved as a person. Here's a few things that are different about me:

Patience - When I start to get frustrated in a line or with an obnoxious person, I hear myself thinking "calm down, be patient" all the time. Little things don't frazzle me like they used to. People who used to make me want to rip my hair out don't bother me so much anymore.

Body Temperature - I find that the AC at work doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I get hot easier at home too. I feel like I'm 5 degrees hotter at any given time.

I'm one of those mom's that are obsessed with their child. My desk is cluttered with photos of my child and he's not even 4 months old yet. Before I know it there will be drawings and macaroni art projects stuck to the wall, that everyone else will think is hideous. I seriously think about Cooper all day at work and patiently wait for 5:00 to hit.

More protective. I try to avoid the freeway more than I did before. I never let the baby sit in the sun (since he can't have sunscreen yet). I watch every step I take, especially when carrying the baby. I think about every decision twice now, because I'm not the only person who is affected by the things I do.

I'm always prepared. I have everything we might need, in case we need it. Extra diapers, sun hat, squeaky toy... you get the picture. It's rare that I don't have a solution for a problem these days.

Multi-tasker extraordinaire. I have found that the easiest time to surf the web is while nursing. I have also become great at doing 2-5 things simultaneously. I can cook dinner, warm a bottle and rock the baby all at once. Edit photos while burping the baby. Pump while writing a paper for school. I amaze myself sometimes.

I'm more assertive, less timid. My tail is no longer between my legs. I seem to stick up for myself more than before. I'm not a jerk about it, but I like to let people know when they've crossed the line.

Calmer and at peace. I am content with myself these days. I love the person I've become. I don't stress of dumb shit anymore. The co-worker that hates me doesn't bother as much and since I've let go my anxiety over the situation, the workplace has become a much more pleasant environment. I enjoy simple things, like laying in the back yard while listening to birds or walking through the neighborhood while looking at the neighbor's gardens. Life amazes me and I love to enjoy every minute.

I don't feel like partying as often. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to party once-in-a-while. Going out seems like a much bigger deal when you rarely do it. I refuse to be one of those moms who leave their kids with Grandma and go out twice every weekend. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since finding out I was pregnant and the baby is four months old now. I feel guilty just being at the nail salon, like I'm missing out on valuable time with the baby. I truly enjoy laying on the ground and babbling with Cooper and could do it for hours. I love being at home with my family.

Kinder and more considerate. It's important to me to spread kindness. I try to compliment people more, to start small conversations in the line at the coffee shop, to suggest books to people at the book store, to bring someone a small gift when they least expect it. I hope little things like this and simple actions contribute to more happiness in the world.

More ambitions - I have this strong need to work hard. School was more of a hobby before. For the first time I actually see myself graduating. It may still take me a while but I am more determined than ever to be an example to my son and most importantly, prove to myself I can do it while working full time and being a mommy.

A Bath for the Birdies

For the last few weeks I've been searching high and low for items to make a bird bath with, for my bay-Friendly Garden. The coalition members are coming this Sunday and I want it to be set up and functional before they get here!

We went to Urban Ore to try to find materials to make a bird bath and ended up having a miserable experience. I looked at new bird baths online, not finding one I liked for under $250.

I decided to go to TJ Maxx, to see if I couldn't find a really awesome bowl to use for the bath. Ladies and Gentlemen, I found exactly what I was looking for, at the low price of $7.99. It's a thick glass bowl with metal paint on the bottom:


I ordered a bird bath stand online for $19 buckaroos:

And collected some cool stones from around the neighborhood (so the birdies don't slip):

And we have ourselves a bird bath!

The metal paint on the bottom reflects sun rays and keeps the water at a nice temperature for the birdies, somewhere around room temperature.

The best part? I did this all for under $30. Much better than $250, and I got exactly what I wanted.

Relief

Breastfeeding has officially become effortless. (*And the crowd cheers*) I now prefer to breastfeed over giving the baby a bottle of breast milk. Much like the baby blues, the scariest part of breastfeeding was not knowing when it would get better.

It seems to be much more common than I thought and I've noticed that many of my large-breasted friends have this problem. I went from a large D to a G overnight. My new gargantuan breasts were cracked and bleeding around the clock, and it felt as if I was carrying around throbbing boulders.

It took me almost 3 months and 5 lactation consultants to get comfortable with breastfeeding. It didn't hurt that long, but that's when I started feeling confident with breastfeeding. I realize now that all I really needed to do was relax. I almost gave up a hundred times. I kept telling myself, "I just have to get to two months". Once I was there, it felt easier so I stuck it out a little longer. Now my goal is to get to 6 months and with the way things are going, we will probably get the once seemingly unobtainable goal of a year.

Now, I nurse Cooper all day and try to only give him a bottle of breast milk if we're out and about, or right before bed (he gets full fast and sleeps through the night). Since I have large breasts, I don't always feel comfortable whipping out a boob when in public, even with the feeding cover I have. It's rather difficult for me to situate and I usually end up flashing someone some titty.

I am so happy I stuck it out. I have so much respect for nursing mothers now. It's easy to feel hopeless when it comes to breastfeeding and there is a saddening sense of guilt associated with not being a master breast feeder; both from inside and from people who don't know what you're going through and are quick to judge.

So, bravo new mommies, bravo.

Unwinding the Tightly Wound

My son Cooper will be three months a few days from now and I can just now feel myself begin to chill out. I didn't realize until now how tightly wound up and frazzled I was for the first couple months after Cooper was born. I am still learning to take it easy and not get frustrated with certain things.

A very important role model gave me the best advice, and it was simple. "Go with the flow" she said. "Don't stress about the little things because the time goes by fast". I have been repeating "go with the flow" to myself when I start to get stressed, if something doesn't go as planned, or if Cooper has a meltdown (which is rare). It's easier said than done, especially if you're as anal as I am. But I'm getting better.

Breastfeeding has gotten easier. I was feeling so hopeless, but now I realize how proud of myself I am for sticking it out. My son has gotten the best head-start possible because I wouldn't give up. I made it work, even if I had to do it differently.

We're sleeping again. Cooper recently started sleeping through the night, just when I thought I'd never sleep a full night again.

It all gets easier, even when it starts to feel like you're a sucky mommy for complaining so much.

It truly brings tears to my eyes when I think about the last three months, from the day I was induced until now. It saddens me to see how fast the time has gone. On the other hand, it brings me more joy than I could ever describe to see Cooper change and grow. I was listening to the children's radio station yesterday with Cooper and dancing with him. "What a wonderful world" came on and we slow danced while I sang along, teary eyed. At that exact moment I realized how precious life really is.

Now I just need to focus on my health so I can be strong and active for my little bruiser. The most important thing about this condition is to relax. Stress has been a major contributor to my condition in the past and I need to do whatever I can to make my life less stressful and enjoy every second possible. I know what steps I need to take and what changes in my life need to happen.

Life is good. Very good.

We're Growing!!

I'm pretty enamoured with my garden. I love seeing hard work pay off. In the raised bed we have a lot going on! Below, we have cilantro, spinach, arugula, butter lettuce, Italian parsley, zucchini, basil, and jalapeno.


My Bay Friendly garden is coming along as well. I am so proud of it. I have only drought-resistant plants and California natives. Below, we have Lupin, Nemesia, Monkey Flower, Heuchera, Australian tea tree and Beard Tongue. I also sprinkled California Golden Poppy seed around, we'll see if it grows. I can't wait for the plants to get bigger. Next, I'm going to dig a small trench and put in a brick border. I am so excited for my garden!

Two Door Cinema Club

I heard this on Soundcheck last night. I love it!

Two Door Cinema Club - What You Know from CANADA on Vimeo.

Barley and Black Bean Salad

My dinner was amazing tonight and I thought I'd share it with you all. It was super easy to make.

Tonights tasty Barley and Black Bean Salad includes:

3 cups cooked pearl barley
1 cup cooled black beans
1/4 cup chopped cilantro
1/2 cup unsalted, roasted sunflower seeds
1/4 cup sliced almonds
2 chopped scallions
1 can Trader Joes artichoke hearts (in water), chopped
Sea salt to taste
Two cap fulls of Newman's Lite Sundried Tomato Vinaigrette (or your choice of vinaigrette)

Damn that was good.

Big Jet Plane

I'm in love with this song, even if it is on a Maybelline commercial.

Angus and Julia Stone - Big Jet Plane from kirill dolmatov on Vimeo.

Spin Spin Sugar!

I'm back!

I went to my first spin class in over a year last week and it felt amazing to be back. I thought I would have a horrible time, like I did my very first spin class... but I did really well. I didn't hold back once and was very proud of myself when it was all done. I actually thought about not going and then coincidentally ran into my spin instructor that day.

Now that my butt bones no longer feel bruised, I'll back in spin class tomorrow. I can wait to get rid of this flab!!

How Does Your Garden Grow??

One of my favorite hobbies is gardening. I love to garden. When I moved in with Jory, I left behind a 300 sq. foot garden that took many, many hours of labor to perfect. When we moved into our new home I was very pregnant and couldn't wait until I would be able to garden again.

And now, I'm gardening again!

I knew I wanted to build another raised plant bed again, but I didn't want to buy redwood. Redwood is rot resistant, making it perfect for plant beds, but you never know if it's old growth or not when you buy it from somewhere like Home Depot. Thankfully, I was able to find this redwood from an old deck. It was going to be thrown away and I was able to recycle it. It made me feel good to use reclaimed wood, especially if it is precious redwood.


I made a design and started building.

My cheerleaders:

Lots and lots o' dirt:

Once the bed was complete, it needed to be placed. The corner posts protrude 6 inches from the bottom and go into the ground to stabilize the bed. Once it was placed, I filled it with dirt.

Oh, precious dirt:

My plant bed was complete. It is to be filled with organic veggies and herbs. But where would my flowers go? I would have to tear up some grass and make a flower area.

I tore up the grass and filled it in with mulch, which holds moisture and in turn saves water. The first plants in the flower bed are gardenia and Australian tea tree. Eventually I will fill it in with native California plants and other perennials.

In the raised bed I am germinating arugula, broccoli, spinach and California golden poppies (which will go in the flower bed). I also have a sweet basil and jalapeno plant, which will be planted tomorrow:

To help keep my organic garden pest free, I lined the raised bed with copper tape, which repels snails and slugs.

And that concludes the first chapter of my gardening saga. I am hoping to complete my checklist of Bay Friendly gardening criteria and get my Bay Friendly Garden plaque from the Bay Friendly coalition. Next, I'll be looking for a bird bath. Anyone have one they're tossing???

Hello Photo

I'm diving back into photography.

If need photos snapped of your lizard or child or band or car or yourself, I'm your girl. I'm not charging, just trying to get back into shooting.

Let me know.

alie.voss@live.com

Resuming A Difficult Diet

Today is day two of hell; no meat and no dairy. I'm back on the vegan wagon.

I forgot how difficult it is to be vegan. I have quite a bit of vegan food in my house, but going out to dinner tonight was challenging.

It will get easier when I get in the groove of this lifestyle. I did it before and I'll do it again. I'm aware that realistically, there will be times when I'll just have to deal with a little bit of dairy in my meal. But if I don't make a conscious effort to do this *fur-real*, I'll never take it seriously.

I have to remember it's for my own good and it will keep me out of pain and able to take care of Cooper to the best of my ability, without doubling over in pain or having to call in sick to work because it hurts to walk.

I think this week will be the hardest. I just have to get through this week. I have to remind myself that the last time I took on this diet, I enjoyed the food I was eating and I loved the way I felt. I loved the energy I had and I loved not being in constant pain.

In Love

I'm completely in love with my son. I know it is typical for people to say about their children, but it's true.

I left the house for just half an hour to grab some groceries. As I was driving to the store, all I could think about was how much I love my son. I wanted to hurry up and get back to him, in case he missed me.

Every little coo and wimper makes me smile. Even his cry is cute. When I was pregnant I used to rub my belly and imagine what Cooper looked like. I'd talk to my tummy all the time. Now, I talk and sing directly to him and I get to see him smile back.

I'm learning patience I never knew I was possible of posessing. I'm learning how to put someone else first. I'm learning what it means to have someone completely depend on me for everything. It's amazing and I love being Cooper's mommy. I finally feel like I have a true purpose and for the first time in my life, it's clear what my role is. I love it <3

Chunkish.

Perfection:

Back to the Drawing Board

Since I've had the baby, it's time to start thinking about preventing any endometriosis from coming back. I met with my doctor yesterday, to have the IUD put back in. This is one of my treatments for endometriosis and it's supposed to help prevent the growth of endometriosis and ovarian cysts. They don't recommend you have one unless you've had a child, which might explain why it was so insanely painful the first time it was put in. I didn't feel a thing this time, even though it had to be done twice (the first one was too low). Along with a meat and dairy-free diet and exercise, this seemed to help the abdominal pain. My doctor suggested I cut the dairy and meat out again, since the most notable results occurred when I picked up a vegan diet. I don't have any symptoms, since it's unlikely the endometriosis would come back while I'm breastfeeding. I'm hoping and praying I'll fall into the small group of women who never have the disease come back after they have children. Now all I have to deal with is the temporary cramping that comes with IUD insertion. It's pretty brutal but I think the worst is over. Now we wait.

Not My Thing.

So, I hate breastfeeding. Yeah, I said it. It's just not working for me. It's painful as all hell and nothing is working for me. I have tried everything. I have seen 5 different lactation consultants. None of them can help. I can barely hold my son because my chest hurts so bad, all the time. I have stuck with it for the sake of my son, because I know the benefits to Cooper and he obviously deserves to be as healthy as possible in the first months of his life. But I'm not going to be able to do this much longer. I want to be able to nurse more than anything, I really do. I love looking at Cooper while he nurses and having his sweet little face look back at me... but then I feel the horrible pain that comes along with it and the throbbing pain that creeps up after... and I stop thinking about the good parts of breastfeeding. I really wish this was easier. I feel like I'm the only person that has having this many issues with nursing and it gives me a lot of anxiety. Ugh.

Adjustments

Our little man is growing fast. he is officially 6 weeks old and I'm in disbelief. He gets cuter every day and everyday I fall more in love with him. I didn't realize how much I would love this little man. Jory and I went on a date tonight. It was our first trip out alone since Cooper was born. Cooper's grandparents babysat for a few hours. I thought it would be a relief, but I couldn't stop looking at my phone. I felt like I just wanted to get back to Cooper. Can you blame me? Thankfully, the weather is warming up, making back yard picnics an option. And photos like this: Cooper had his first play date with Sonny, my dear friend Stephanie's little guy. Sonny is about a month older than Cooper but they are close to the same size. Cooper is such a chunky boy (and a handsome one too!!).

Jory goes back to work tomorrow. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. I can't believe six weeks have already passed. I will miss having so much time during the week with my family but I will have us all together in the evenings and on weekends. And Jory only works a couple miles away and will be home for lunch every day. It's just a reality check, reminding me that I, too, will eventually have to return to work. It breaks my heart

Why is it so Difficult?

When Cooper was first born, I survived off of Clif bars. Now, I find myself eating food I know I shouldn't be eating, completely out of convenience. That's why fast food is so successful, obviously. Convenience.

I have to change this, fast. I have to work out a plan to get my diet back on track and get healthy.

*Brainstorming*

Unsolicited Opinions

It started during pregnancy. I received unsolicited opinions on just about everything. It was incredibly frustrating to me and it continues to this day. I have gotten a comment on just about every decision, from diapers to epidurals to detergent to sleeping arrangements.

I don't like being challenged. I don't like being judged. If I make a decision, it's my decision. I love my son more than anything on this earth, so there clearly is a good reason for any decision I make regarding him.

I suppose it comes with the territory. I'm getting better at brushing it off but it still is insulting, as if I'm not intelligent enough to weigh my options before making a decision as an adult.

That is all.

Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger

This made my night.

Dairy Cow

I'm starting to feel like a dairy cow. My breasts hurt all the time and I sometimes feel like all I do is feed Cooper. I started a free "Baby and Me" mommy group at Kaiser on Thursday and I was told over and over that it gets easier. We shall see. The group was really great and I'm happy I went. It's nice to talk to other new mommies and have people relate to what you're going through. I'm watching Opening Day at the Coliseum on TV, wishing I was at the game. I can't wait to take Cooper to his first game. I suppose I could now, I just am a little nervous about taking the little man to such a busy event. I have been cooking a little, finally. I made a delish vegan dish last night, it was coconut curry on sweet potatoes, yams and crisped tofu with jasmine rice. It was pretty incredible. My biggest challenge is making vegan food not taste like vegan food. I am already craving dairy and wish I didn't have to cut it out... but the flare ups are getting really intense. I feel like I'm falling apart these days and the post-pregnancy healing is still going on. I can't wait to get my energy back and get my diet in order. Cooper and I walked about a mile this evening. I was exhausted when I got home. I never expected it to take me so long to do simple things. It's been 11 1/2 months since I've had a drop of alcohol. I keep saying I'm going to have a glass of wine but end up getting too caught up with Cooper and forget. I have a nice bottle of Coppola's Sofia wine that I've been waiting to open. Perhaps this weekend. So that was my little update. I'm going to try to dive back into this blog soon. We're starting to get a rhythm down with the baby and hopefully he will start sleeping more than 3 hours a night. I can't wait for that day. XO

Time to Drop the Weight!

I've lost almost 40 lbs since Cooper was born a month ago. Of course, much of it was his birth weight and all of the other "stuff". Nursing has helped me drop a lot of weight but I still have 15-20 lbs to go. I want to get back into the gym soon, I'm hoping the doctor will OK an exercise routine tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Super Cooper

And we're back!

Since I last wrote, I had a freakin' baby! Cooper Radley was born February 27th at 12:11 AM. He was a big boy, weighing in at 9 lbs 6 oz. I had a rather challenging delivery, with an epidural that stopped working (but kept my legs paralyzed) and a baby that was face up that didn't want to come out. After 24 hours of active labor, 3 hours of pushing and a scary vacuum extraction, our sweet little son joined us in the world.

He is perfect.



I love being a mommy but it's not as easy as it seems in the beginning. They don't tell you how absolutely terrifying the first week or two is. More times than not I thought I was going crazy and didn't know how I would ever become a functional mommy. I don't know how I would have gotten through the first two weeks without the help of Jory and our families. It was overwhelming... yet my natural instincts got me through it. You end up knowing what to do and have to trust yourself.

Now, I'm trying to balance my days. Trying to get enough sleep. I have had a tough time with nursing, but it's seeming to get easier every day. Hopefully in a few weeks it will be effortless. Today, Cooper is 18 days old and I have already lost 35 lbs from my weight right before he was born. I hope the nasty rainy weather calms down so I can resume my walks with Cooper. I hope to start yoga this week to help center and balance myself.

Our parents are proving to be wonderful grandparents, they are naturals. They are just as filled with love for Cooper as we are and I love seeing them all so happy. Cooper has five grandparents and six great-grandparents. He is one lucky and extremely loved little boy.

I had no idea how much love I could have for someone until Cooper was born. When he looks at me and smiles my heart melts and I'm filled with warmth and pride.

Now, I am going to focus on being a mommy... but also on getting myself back in shape and resuming my healthy lifestyle. I will be transitioning back into a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle and hope it's not too difficult for me. Tonight Cooper's daddy is out with the boys and I plan on finding some tasty vegetarian and vegan recipes.

Good night!

Foster the People

While I go stir crazy and patiently wait for my son to arrive, I am exploring the internet for new music.

I have been in love with this song but had no idea who sang it.

Thanks to my amazing boyfriend (who may I add dislikes this song), I have the answer and will now share it with you.

Still.

Yep. Still waiting. I had this amazing feeling run through my body when the doctor told me I was dilating, as if I were going to go into labor within the next 24 hours.

Nope.

Regardless if I am induced or go into labor before then, Cooper will be here within the next 14 days.

Patience is key.

I just can't wait to meet my son and kiss his little face.

The contractions are coming like crazy. Cooper is clearly comfortable and not yet ready to join us.

So. Damn. Close.

Today the doctor told us that I'm starting to dilate! This is wonderful! Cooper will be here soon! Since I am beginning to dilate it's less likely that I'll need to be induced and more likely he'll be right on time.

I started drinking red raspberry leaf tea this week and it has brought on a ton of contractions. I can feel them almost immediately after a few sips of the tea. Our doctor advised us to keep on drinking it, to keep the contractions coming. I had no idea it would be this efficient of a labor inducer! Many of my books say not to drink it before 39 weeks because it could cause early labor... but I suppose I didn't think it would have that much of an effect on me.

I stopped by Kohl's today to pick up a sports watch so I could time my contractions. It's cute and purple. The only thing I need now is a robe for the hospital and I couldn't find one that I liked or that was black and white (babies like the contrast).

Hopefully I can get another update in before the baby gets here, and I'd really like to make my hair appointment tomorrow... we shall see :)

Come On Now.

I've been having more and more contractions... getting used to them now unfortunately. I thought I was heading into labor a few times this week, but the contractions have proven to be teasers.

I'm not sure what the deal is with my sleep habits, but it's been impossible for me to sleep at night. Friday I fell asleep at 7:30AM after a night filled with bathroom trips and contractions that almost made me buckle over. Since then they've been inconsistently coming. Hopefully they'll gain some rhythm soon, as I am ready to meet this little man of ours!

Jory has been very patient with me and my cranky moments, which seem to happen more often as time progresses. He is wonderful about making dinner, getting me beverages, helping me out of the bath and any other little request I have.

I have a few little-itty-bitty stretch marks but nothing like I thought I would have. My belly is completely stretch mark free, which I can thank my mother for since they say it's genetic. The other little ones will likely disappear after the baby is born and this weight starts to come off.

My due date is in 10 days and although I think he's going to be early, I really don't care when he comes as long as I can get a full night's sleep beforehand.

We are both getting very excited and can't wait to be parents. The last 9.5 months have been quite an experience for us and has brought us closer than I ever thought it could. Every day I feel thankful for the wonderful man in my life and how lucky we are to have each other. I can't wait to see Jory with his son as I know he is beyond excited and will be an amazing father.

Now... hurry up baby!

Nerves!

I'm starting to get a little more nervous! I've always been a little nervous... but the nervousness is growing! I can't believe Cooper will be here so soon. He has dropped a bit, which from what I've been reading, indicates that he will be here in 2-4 weeks. This will make my early delivery prediction accurate (only a week or two early).

He has barely any room to move around, is it odd that I feel bad for him? Soon enough, he will be here for us all to hold. Although I can't wait to share him with the world, I'm pretty sure I'll be reclusive for the first couple weeks... at least. We're at the point where we see the doctor every two weeks, and after next week we will see her one a week until Coop decides to join us.

It's nice to be on maternity leave, I'm happy I took leave when I did. I feel like this week has brought a whole to intensity to my level of soreness and exhaustion. And yes, I realize I have no idea what true exhaustion is yet (everyone likes to remind me of that, as if I don't know).

Today, Jory and I are celebrating our 3 year anniversary. He surprised me this morning by telling me he'd schedule today as a vacation day and we got to spend the day together. Tonight we are going to one of our favorite restaurants, Bucci's.

Cheers!

9 Months

And here we are, at 9 months folks. I will be full term in 5 days. FIVE DAYS! I can't believe it. He could, technically, come at any time and I am totally OK with not having to wait another month to meet him. I have all these ideas of what I think he'll look like. And of course, he probably won't look anything like how I imagine.

Big brother Bucko, Cooper and I:

Getting Organized.... Still.

We've been living in our "new" place for close to 5 months, and we JUST unpacked the DVD's. I guess setting up the baby's room and office took priority. I also just realized I hadn't posted any photos of the office on this here blog.

But first... Jory's newest project. This might be the simplest of our projects (OK, it definitely is) but I think it made the room look much better. He stained a piece of pine and mounted it. Easy, right?? We still have my DVD's to find a place for, they will probably go on the side of the TV after Jory creates more shelving.

Before:

After:

Behold.... my favorite room of the house, the office:

Slowly Saying Goodbye...

As I've already mentioned, I'm a little concerned about how we're going to tame my endometriosis after Cooper is born. I'm trying to slowly ease into my old vegan lifestyle by adding as many dairy and meat free snacks and meals to my day as possible. It's the most successful treatment I've found to date. I found this on a website for natural treatments:

"Although earlier studies in women were conflicting, there is increasing evidence that chronic exposure to the environmental chemicals dioxins and polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs) is associated with an increased prevalence and severity of endometriosis. One way to reduce intake of these chemicals is to cut back on animal fat, especially high-fat dairy, red meat, and fish. Dioxin and PCBs both accumulate in animal fat, and it is our main route of exposure.

Interestingly, studies on diet and endometriosis also support this link. For example, an Italian study examined data from 504 women with endometriosis and found an increased risk with a high intake of red meat and ham. Fresh fruit and vegetables were associated with a reduction in risk."

I had gone into a vegan lifestyle for a few months and seen amazing results, after also including exercise and acupuncture in my treatment. I thought that free-range and organic meats would be OK, having less chemicals and antibiotics than regular meats. Almost immediately after introducing these free range and organic meats, my symptoms returned and two new cysts were found in my abdomen. Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how "pure" the meat or dairy it, it has the same effect on my body. Meat, dairy and eggs, promote the pro-inflammatory prostaglandins.

I am going to continue my research on natural remedies and preventions, hoping to find a few more teas or supplements that will help my body. It seems as if I am more sensitive than most people when it comes to how my body reacts to dairy and meat. As much as it will suck to give up dairy again, I have to remember how many amazing foods I consumed while vegan. My beloved Monday dinner might only consist of potatoes for a while... but it's for the best and will keep me out of the operating room.

He Flipped!

After a couple weeks of worrying, the doctor told us today that Cooper has flipped and is in the correct position for delivery, head-down. I had been stressing about this for a couple weeks, not wanting to have to have a cesarian because he was breech. But all of those worries are gone and we continue the waiting game.

His kicks and jabs are getting even more intense and sometimes I wonder if he's not doing damage in there. I involuntarily let out a few shrieks and cuss words after catching an elbow to some sensitive area in my abdomen, possibly an ovary.

I have been having pretty intense contractions the last few days. Hopefully they will stay inconsistent for another couple weeks. I can feel the changes in my body as we get closer and I am really, really excited.

When I look at the picture below it seems surreal. Yeah, I see the bump and wiggles of the belly and yes, I feel him all the time... but I don't think it'll truly hit me until I see him.

Jitters

I have been reading lots of pregnancy articles online. I have three books that I turn to when I have any questions. Most of the articles and books that focus on what to expect physically also touch upon what a pregnant woman might be feeling emotionally and mentally. Every one lists that being terrified is normal.

I have always wanted to be a mom. Getting pregnant has been a complete blessing and I am so excited to meet my son. Every movement he makes is a miracle. This wonderful feeling and absolutel bliss is apparent around 98% of the time. And that remaining 2%? Terror.

I am so afraid of messing up, it's hard to even write this without betting teary eyed. It's crazy to think of how much I'm going to love this little person, and how much I want to do everything perfect... how they deserve perfection.

After thinking about these feelings for a couple days, I think that being terrified can be a positive thing. Being paranoid about having the car seat set up perfectly and making sure the bottles are BPA free are things that I think every new parent worries about. I think that the more times I double check the seat belt attachment, the more likely it's hooked up correctly.

I also have to accept that not everyone is going to agree with our decisions. That's OK. As my mom always said, there's no parenting manual. I am going to have to trust my instincts.

In less than a month and a half, we will be brand new parents and I can't wait. And although at times it can seem terrifying, it's the best feeling of anticipation I've ever felt in my life.

Preventing Endometriosis

On my previous blog I had a whole section dedicated to my daily struggles with endometriosis and ovarian cysts. I haven't touched upon it much in this blog, but I have suffered from this horribly painful disease for years. The boy and I decided to try to conceive after being told early this year that I was growing cysts again. This time it was more rapidly than ever before and having another surgery could greatly hurt our chances of having kids in the future. It was either time for another surgery, or time to try to get pregnant. We chose to start a family and were fortunate it was even possible.

Fortunately, pregnancy is the one and only thing that has proven to get rid of endometriosis and cysts, although it's a temporary fix and 98% of women have the disease return after birth. I've been talking to my OB/GYN (who also happens to be my surgeon) about what we should do after the baby is born, how we're going to try to fight this disease all over again. So far the plan is to get as close to a vegan diet as possible, acupuncture, and to use an IUD as prevention again.

Here's a entry from the last blog, explaining my history with the disease. Since it was written I've had two surgeries and still had the disease come back.

I'm going to keep updates on this blog about what happens after birth and what I'll be doing to prevent the monster from coming back again.

And you know what you can do? Follow my blog, if you don't already. That would be great :)

2011!

When I woke up this morning, The Boy said "Happy New Years Babe. We get to meet our son this year."

Perfect first words for 2011.

I decided to wear heels last night. Although they were only an inch high, my body aches like it's never ached before. On a happy note, this is my first hangover-free New Years Day in many years, definitely the first as an adult.

This year will be incredible (I got a swift kick to the kidney as I typed that, so Cooper agrees). I hope to find time to start and finish many crafts and recipes, and to share them all with you.

XO

Al